JacquenettaWrite a message
- What is my gender:
- My sex is fem
- I like to drink:
- In my spare time I love:
- Marital arts
You had a long day at work. You come home, kick off your shoes and speed-walk to the fridge. There you are: hungry, bordering on starving, in front a beautiful fully stocked fridge.
Thank you for your honest question. Because of the intensity of the feelings here, you might want to seek out a therapist or counselor to sort out why you feel such strong self-loathing after masturbating.
I would wonder, if you or someone else were to bring this issue to my office, if the voice of criticism might in fact exist before the act, and thus create a need to feel good in a way that is self-activated. Whose voice is this? A critical parent or caretaker?
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When did it start? I would also be curious about the attitudes around sex in your family of origin. Sometimes such intensely self-hating emotions come when there has been some kind of overt or covert abusephysical or emotional. I am not suggesting this is the case here, only that sometimes in my clinical work, I find an association of good sexual feelings with shame over an earlier boundary violation, subtle or severe.
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Of course, any intensive criticism you might have received, about what you are doing in private with your own body, would constitute a boundary violation of its own. Sometimes folks with obsessive minds pursue repetitive means of relieving an overburdened or tired mind. If you feel you have no choice but to masturbate, or if it drains you of necessary energy to complete the tasks of living work, play, socializingthen you might be caught in a compulsive activity which might necessitate a therapeutic intervention. I could be wrong, but my sense is that yours is not a compulsive or addictive issue, since those with sexual compulsions usually reflect more ambivalence or torn feelings than your letter indicates.
I wonder if shame might also be felt in other areas where you seek personal satisfaction, like career, creativity, etc.
Shame about sex tends to create defenses that can keep others away, with heartbreakingwhen those we care about feel pushed away. Please fill out all required fields to submit your message. I would suspect that this either has something to do with the way you were raised and Regular guys jacking off messages that you were always given about masturbation when you were younger, or it is because it is taking you away from other things that should be bringing you pleasure in life but are not.
I guess that it could be either but I know that there are toms of people who have a hard time dealing with their sexuality and the emotions about it when they have been brought up in a home that tells you that this is something that you should be ashamed of, and not necessarily joyful about.
Thise things that you were taught when you were young could be feeding into some of these emotions that you have. It has nothing to do with how you were raised. Some behaviors may stem from childhood experience, but this does not condone the wild hypothesizing, and absurd theories that have been perpetuated for the last hundred plus years.
What goes up must come down. What you said is GOLD. There has always been this prevailing message that this is wrong and so that is kind of how I have always believed too. Men have been made to feel oversexed if they masturbate and women have been made to feel like they are dirty if they do. But otherwise I think that it is wrong for anyone to continue to characterize there being something wrong with you if you choose to masturbate.
I really appreciate your compassionate and thoughtful response to this, Darren. This was also a very brave question to write in, even anonymously. Also, this is especially challenging for young people who are still trying to figure out who they are and what is important to them apart from their parents.
While this might seem like a silly example of good vs. I will admit that this is something that is hard for me to accept I guess mainly because I was brought up in a home that I would describe as sexually repressed and thus all of us kind of ended up that way too! I am glad that there are so many more freedoms available now then there were when I was growing up, and I like to think that I am more open minded than say my parents would have been about this.
I still have to wonder though why you feel the need to do this all the time of you have someone in your life that you care about and who makes you feel good on a physical and emotional level. I found out my own,answer from a doctors blog if you are masterbating more than once a week it is unhealthy. I have Regular guys jacking off completely I feel wonderful more energetic happier to do it once a month is healthy by his standards it is up to you how far you want to go with it.
I think moderation is the key if one can do it. Some sources claim that long ago God told man not to spill his seed on the ground. So for me the real question is where can real balance be found? My best guess is in a loving, nurturing, intimate relationship. Some may say sexual desire is a gift from the Gods. For me it has been a curse! Almost everything you just said was wrong now i dont know if your just lying or did you get this information from a website from the s but to anybody even thinking about taking this comment seirously please dont.
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Masturbation is completely natural and healthy and no one should ever be made to feel ashamed or guilty of the act. I read things online about how masturbation causes anxiety, depression, suicidal tendencies, emotional problems, sexual dysfunction, low self-esteem, bad eyesight, shriveled testicles, laziness. Now we have Cam above saying it will drain me of my vitamins, protien and I will lose muscle…. Is it healthy to feel such shame?!?!?!?!? I am a male how masturbates about 4 times a week. So that shame that people feel after masturbating is just an amplified anxiety feeling that you get when you think of something that you should feel ashamed of in this case masturbation itself.
Masturbation is too pleasurable not to get addicted to. IMO its taken me a long time to figure out if masturbation with lust of women are a healthy outlet for me. Coping with sexual energy and a healthy attraction towards the opposite sex has always been great trouble for me. If I mastubate I feel alienated from women lack self confidence to build intimacy with them and my shame and sexual guilt magnifies as does my self hatred and inadequacies.
Wow, thank you for the wisdom. I have made many girls insecure in relationships, because when I had any kind of foreplay or sex, they could obviously tell i felt awful about it after. I love it during, but the tradeoff of guilt never feels worth it. Basically, I get them to the bedroom and get sexual in some form, we have an amazing time. I fooled around a little with a friend of mine 3 years ago, and then turned her down when she wanted sex.
She thinks I turned her down for a less embarrassing reason. I know my situation is not healthy, because each girl feels inevitably like a lost cause, and life certainly did not intend that. I feel guilty masturbating most of the time. So pretty much, sex and the inspiration of beautiful girls has been reduced to a recipe for feelings of hopelessness. Your article helped a bit. I will continue reading more info on this subject. Thanks relieved, you might want to check out books by Patrick Carnes or Pia Mellody. Hi, I feel that way to and have felt that way for a long time…I am 24 and I Regular guys jacking off scared of having a boyfriend, and maybe i guess they might be related.
Except I am a girl which makes asking for help on this issue way harder i think. Do you have any tips on asking for help and not feeling really ashamed around the person you tell! I use to be like you too Darren. Anyways to stop being like this you have to keep yourself busy example go and get yourself some job or play with someone and also hang out with your friends too.
Hi, I have the same feelings the past 45 years. But mine is much worse even. If i do it, I feel so ashamed, i am afraid to go out of the house for 2 days. I am very depressed and the shame is very very painful. I hit rock bottom for almost 2 days, then recover. But mine started when i was about 18 yrs.
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In a matter of about 3 days, it was like a tidal wave breaking thru some damn that had built up for years shame. It never left me really over 45 years.
I stopped at that time for 10 yrs. Everything had a connotation by association. A door knob, a pan handle, a broom handle. I still have this problem till now. Nothing has helped. You are not the only one who feels self hate and shame when masturbating.
Many years ago I had a beautiful girlfriend who loved sex.
Sex with her raised me up instead of bringing me down. It filled my life with love instead of self hate. However, I think shame like pain is a valuable warning to stop doing something. Pain is warning you, stay off that knee. Likewise if you feel shame I would suggest listening to it and avoiding the actions that cause the shame even if they are pleasurable.